I Don't Know How
by airbie
Summary: SPOILERS FOR 8x12 - ZUGZWANG. Reid's grief after Maeve's death forces him to reach breaking point. He's not eating, he's not sleeping, he's not coping. One case pushes him over the edge.


**Hi my lovelies :)**

 **So this is based after 8x12 (Zugzwang), yes, that heart-wrenching episode we all hate but love.**

 **I just felt like we should've seen more of Reid's grieving so I wrote this. Why can't he just be happy?!**

 **Anyways, Blake isn't the most popular character to have as a main in a fanfiction I've noticed but I really liked hers and Reid's friendship, ideally I'd have wanted to write Emily in but of course she's not around when all of this happened so... And I felt JJ wasn't as close to Reid here, I think everything with Emily in s6 would've impacted his trust in her. And as for the males, I felt like Alex was more suitable for this than them**

 **I hope you all enjoy! Leave me a review, perhaps?**

 **I may continue it, it's doubtful but if you want me to please tell me!**

 **Also, not been beta'd. All mistakes are my own.**

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"Do you want to talk about it?" Reid heard those words but didn't process them, he was too busy trying to calm the storm inside his mind. The children could've been saved, he thought, they could've been saved if I'd found them sooner, they're dead because I couldn't focus long enough to save them.

The team had just solved a case of a child rapist turned murderer. The awful man took children every day off of the streets, raped them, and left them in random locations the following day. He hadn't killed any, that is, until today. Today he took 13 year old George Hall and raped him. Thanks to Reid's geographical profile they'd established where the UNSUB lived and had stormed in, the UNSUB, obviously knowing he wasn't going to get away with it, shot George before being shot in the shoulder by JJ. The case left the whole team drained, but left Reid fighting to keep his mind in a stable state.

He sat on the jet looking at nothing in particular trying to calm the heavy pressure that was building in his chest. His breaths were beginning to come in small gasps as he failed at diminishing the feeling. Morgan sat across from him, looking upon the man he'd come to think of as his younger brother, his eyes full to the brim with concern. Reid was never this silent. Something was seriously wrong.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked, no reply. He studied Reid, his shoulders were hunched and his hands were constantly moving. His chest barely rose before falling again. Sweat began to become apparent on his for head. "Hey, Kid," Morgan tried again, also getting Hotch's attention. The unit chief lowered his newspaper and followed Morgan's gaze until he realised why Morgan was concerned but decided to keep his distance for now. Morgan reached out an arm and placed his hand on Reid's shoulder only to find that the younger agent was shaking violently. Reid's eyes snapped up to meet Morgan's. Fear evident.

"I-" Reid opened his mouth to speak, but couldn't get any words out.

"Ssh…" Morgan soothed. "It's okay." This got Reid's attention. His breaths began to come in large gasps.

"Okay?!" Reid asked, a horrified expression on his face. "It's not okay! George died and I could've stopped it!" This shocked Morgan and gained the attention of the rest of the team. Reid struggled for breath as he fought to continue. "If I - if i hadn't g-gotten Maeve killed I-I'd be okay right now and - and I'd have been able t-to catch the UNSUB quicker a-and he'd still be a-alive." Reid got out, his body was now heaving from the weight of the emotions he was feeling. He clamped his eyes shut in an attempt to ward off the tears forcing their way out.

"Kid, you didn't get Maeve killed." Morgan stressed. At the same time Blake got up and sat next to Reid and pulled him into an embrace. He fought, he pushed and shoved and tried to force her off of him, but she didn't budge. Eventually, he gave in and allowed himself to be held. Breaking into horrific sobs, he hugged her back, tightly.

"Ssh…" She soothed. "You're okay. We're okay."

"I got her killed." Reid whimpereded into Blake's embrace. Still hysterical. Blake rubbedbed her hand up and down his back, she couldcould feel his ribs. He's not been eating, she thoughtought to herself.

"You did not get her killed, you hear me?" She assuredd him and hugged gedhim tighter. "And you didn't get George killed, that was the UNSUB, he knew he couldn't get out so wanted to cause as much pain as possible."

"But I- I-" Reid triedd to speak but he couldouldn't, he couldould't breathe, let alone speak.

"Ssh…" Blake soothedd again.

"I can't-" Reid gaspeded into Blake's shoulder. "I-I can't. I w-wanna be with-with her." Blake closedd her eyes as she feltt sympathy for Reid.

"Shh, she'd want you to move on, to help other people." Blake answered. She felt Reid's chest shake with more sobs.

"It's not fair." Reid cried. Blake held him closely.

"No, it's not." She whispered. "But you'll be okay. I promise." Hotch returned with the glass of water and set it on the table beside Blake and Reid. He returned to his seat to give them space, wishing there were only more he could do.

The team didn't know how to help, Lord knows they wanted to. But nothing they could do could repair Reid's fractured mentality anytime soon. As Reid's cries quieted, the team solemnly returned to their previous activities. Blake continued to hold Reid tight, if there were a time Reid needed to know he wasn't alone, this was it. Her shoulder was damp, but she didn't care. Reid was more important.

Reluctantly, Reid removed himself from Blake's embrace. He accepted the proffered tissue from Morgan who was sat opposite them and looked down, avoiding eye contact with everyone. He was mortified.

"It's okay, you know." Blake said to him as she straightened herself out and sat more comfortably on the chair. Reid looked up at her, his brown eyes peering at hers. "It's okay to feel. You're not going to recover until you let yourself just feel it." Reid smiled softly at her and returned his gaze to his lap, fiddling with his fingers. He drew in a shaky breath before responding.

"I don't know how." He whispered. He wiped a stray tear from his cheek and reached for the glass of water Hotch had brought over.

"No one knows how." Morgan answered. Both Reid and Blake looked at him. It was Reid who spoke next.

"Many professionals say that the grieving process can take years." They both looked at him. Reid continued with watery eyes. "And I don't know if I can wait that long." Blake reached out a hand and put it on his shoulder.

"On no account am I saying it's going to be easy," she offered, "but it will get better. It really will."

"And we'll be with you," Morgan added, "every step of the way." Reid looked down at his lap again, smiling sadly.

"You will?" He asked.

"We will." Morgan affirmed, followed by Blake,

"We all will."

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 **And that's it! I hope you all enjoyed it :) leave me a review? x**


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